Blogging seems harder to me than usual right now. I usually try to keep things light and just the highlights. But right now, at this moment, sitting here on a plane to go to California, I realized something. I just need to be me… all of me. Even the uncomfortable parts. I am always trying to stay focused and keep things cheery. The fact is life can throw some pretty hairy stuff at us. So this is my way of preparing all of you. I usually have a million things going on at once, and even being a normally happy optimistic person, I need a place to vent, to wail, to whine, to put it all out there. So while this is usually an artful, creative blog, it is also a personal memoir.
That being said, my life is a rollercoaster right now. I am so many things, a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, an artist, writer….. Oh yeah, a student…. Ha (that one has been slow and on the very back burner)!
Lately I have been thinking back to the time when I was just a child….
I remember heading to church one Sabbath afternoon, I was probably 7 or somewhere around there. We were in my dad’s metallic blue firebird. Listening to my dad’s extremely loud music, wondering if our ears would ever recover from his hair band era music. I would sit behind my dad, and duck every time he would roll down the window to hack a loogie. So gross, I know. Charming memories right? I remember so vividly, looking out the window, thinking how wondrous and amazing the world seemed. I remember thinking, knowing rather, at that moment, there was a creator. Life was just to unbelievable to be an accident. Then another thought crept in. What if our life, my life, was a just life some sort of dream? Some amazing fantasy I have imagined? If it is when will I, or we, all wake up? And when we do, what will the real world be like? I was a child, dreaming about living in a dream.
Well, I am living in a dream, sort of. Everything I have ever wanted to do… or have dreamt of, has pretty much come true. But then I think, what if I wake up?
My grandma is not doing so good right now. And even though she is suffering she is still inspiring. She was talking to my mom. She was saying that she is ready. She was trying to explain why she is okay with not putting up a fight to live. It is hard for some of us to understand why you wouldn’t want to prolong your life for as long as you can. But in all her wisdom, she speaks softly…. ‘this is the end of one journey and the start of a new one‘ , one that she is looking forward to. She is ready to wake up from her dream. I can see my grandma closing her eyes in this mortal life only to open them to an immortal one. Leaving behind her suffering, her exhaustion. While she is happy to stay here and be with us while she can, I know she is looking forward to something far more grand. She’ll get to see her son, she has missed him dearly these many years. She’ll be there with open arms to give me a hug when I see her. We’ll all be the family we strived to be in this world but could never quite achieve. I am trying to focus on the joy she is looking forward to. I feel like I already miss her, even though she is still very much here. My mom, my poor mom, she is hurting right now, which breaks my heart. I can't believe how much strength she has... My mom is an angel.
I wish I wasn’t so choked up all the time. I know life is just a journey, or rather an adventure. I know… life is but a dream.
Grandma.. I can’t wait to see you today… I’ll read to you like we used to… I’ll sing to you a lullaby. I’ll kiss you on your soft cheek and tell you how much I love you.
I’m on my way.